


Wrong Choice

by Thatkidsyd04



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Han Jisung is a good boyfriend, Idiots in Love, Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), Lee Felix-centric (Stray Kids), M/M, Perfectionism, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28334682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatkidsyd04/pseuds/Thatkidsyd04
Summary: “On one level, I wanted very much to get caught. I did not want to get caught to be saved.”-Marya Hornbacer
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Kudos: 21





	Wrong Choice

I woke up in a room, not one too familiar but a genere of which I know too well, a hospital room: white walls, white ceiling, bright lights; even the air smelled sterile. I felt detached: not untethered, not free, just detached. As if my back wasn’t burning against the bed like the skin is ripping apart, my heart wasn’t pounding with the force to keep me alive against my will, and the IV in my arm wasn’t dripping that 1200 calorie liquid that probably saved my life. Unfortunately, I’m not looking to be saved.

Soon after I remembered how I got here. It was a cold winter night, one with just me and my love, Jisung. We went out to a cafe near his house on a date, everything was going well. I hadn’t eaten anything before or during the date so I could keep calm, I kept up conversation so he wouldn’t get suspicious, I even showed him a picture of what I “had for breakfast” this morning. He looked so happy, so relieved. He probably felt normal for the first time since I told him about this whole thing.However, the gift of normalcy was one of the few things I couldn’t give him. 

Then, I realized the room wasn’t empty and Jisung, my love, my darling, my Angel, was standing next to the hospital bed, looking for my eyes. For something that looked okay, or even an explanation. For a moment I was embarrassed that this happened in front of him. Truthfully this isn’t the first time this has happened, this isn’t even the first time I’ve ended up in a hospital bed. But to see his eyes peering over me like it was going to be the last time... I couldn’t look him in the face. My arm twitched, and his eyes shifted back to my face. 

I let out a gruff, deep “Hi.” 

“Is that all you have to say to me?” Jisung asked, a bit miffed. 

“Honestly, I don’t even know what to say Sungie.” I said, knowing there were many things I could say, I simply didn’t want to. 

“How about ‘I’m sorry I’ve been lying to you’ or ‘This is how I think I would’ve gotten home alive in the cold after not eating for four days knowing I’m constantly on the verge of death’? Do any of those seem to ring a bell? Felix, I swear I love you but you can’t just do this to me. If you hadn’t collapsed in front of my face and actually tried to walk home that would’ve been the last time I saw you alive. You put me through all of this and all you have to say to your panicking boyfriend who thought you were at least doing the bare minimum when you regain consciousness after 3 hours is ‘Hi’?” His words were harsh but his face held no true anger or malice, he just looked frustrated, concerned and sad.

I took that lecture with no argument, no matter how much I wanted to say  _I swear I was being careful_ or  _You’re overreacting_ , _I’ve handled worse_ I didn’t, deserved it.

“I’m sorry you had to see that” I mustered, “I must have really scared you, and I can’t imagine what that must’ve felt like for you.” From there I didn’t want to press it further. I just wanted this night to be perfect, and the only way to save it was with a perfect apology. There was nothing that could’ve been better than that, I assured myself. He’ll still think I’m perfect, perfect for him. 

A nurse walked in, “You’re awake I see” 

“Yes” I responded, some part of me forgot I was in a hospital. And then I remembered,  this is not my first time in a hospital bed.  The first time was an easy “wow I must’ve overworked myself, I’ll take better care in the future.” The next time they did some tests, asked me some questions but I lied, I didn’t want to be caught, not by the hospital, they would catch and save me, I don’t want to be saved. 

“Time number three for the same problem?” She posed, though, it was more of a statement than a question. “This time I’ll lay it out for you, do you want him in here when I say this?” She asks, gesturing to Jisung. Now I have to make a decision, a perfect one, one that will get me out of this bed and back into good graces with my love, my Angel, my lifeline. I pick the one in which I can hide, no flaws on display anymore, this one brought him to his knees, I’ll keep any others from his line of sight. I’ll be his perfect boyfriend. I’ll be his  normal  boyfriend. “No, I think it would be best for everyone if he were to wait outside for moment.” Jisung looked utterly betrayed.

WRONG CHOICE

He leaves the room and I’m on the verge of tears. The nurse looks me in my eyes and says, “Kid, we can’t just keep letting you go when you’re actively hurting yourself like this and lying to your friend outside. Honestly, we should admit you right now. But that guy out there cares for you enough to know to not let you get like this again. So, this is your  last warning young man. End up in this wing again and that’ll probably be the last trip you’ll make anywhere. Do you understand me?” Her tone was stern but caring. “I’ll bring you some apple juice, drink that and finish the IV you’re going home with your little friend outside and I don’t want to see you in here again, ok?” Once again not a question, but a command. 

“Ok.” I responded. 

She opens the door to find Jisung walking in circles nervously. She tells him he’s allowed back in and the instructions she gave me and leaves to go get the apple juice. 

And it’s just us, alone again after I made the WRONG CHOICE. This time, I choose silence. 


End file.
